August 16, 2005
The Collected Email of Jeff Green, Volume 4
Of the many popular characters Jeff has portrayed over the years, the most enduring is one that we came to know as "the Corporate Weenie." No one can say for sure exactly when the Weenie came into existence - I suspect he's been living inside Jeff since the 70s - but the first concrete evidence I have of him is this exchange from Nov. 13, 1991:
DB: Guess what - Uncle Eric's gonna join us for lunch!
JG: That's fine news, indeed. However, once again I must stress the importance of the upcoming end-of-the-year deadlines, and urge, for the sake of the company, that we remain in our cubicles throughout the lunch hour.
eb: you and your urges can sit on that deadline
in your cubicle
throughout the lunch hour
enjoy
JG: While I certainly appreciate a little office-time levity as much as the next guy, I just can't help feeling a little bit disappointed, even sad, at the responses I've been receiving to my recent proposal. Hey guys, what do you say we channel this robust level of energy and humor into our production of computer books? It really can be fun! I know how much fun it can be to socialize with co-workers during the lunch hour - I've read articles on the subject in Business Week and Fortune. (I even went out once for some quick takeout when I forgot my trusty sack lunch - no telling!!) But I'm telling you, nothing feels as good as knowing you've helped the company succeed. So, what do you say? Let's stop kidding around, sharpen our pencils, and buckle down to do some good, serious work this lunch hour! All right!
August 11, 2005
Excerpts...
...from a long list of Jeff-related movie titles, circa 1992:
The Way Jeff Was
Eraserjeff
New Jeff City
Jeffs on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
Koyanisjeffti
Stop Making Jeff
Bright Lights, Big Jeffrey
Jeff Is Cheap, But Toilet Paper Is Expensive
Yojeffbo
Purple Jeff of Cairo
The Goodbye Jeff
It's a Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff World
Everything You Wanted to Know About Jeff But Were Afraid to Ask
and the grand prize winner:
The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Jeff Manchu
August 8, 2005
The Collected Email of Jeff Green, Volume 3
Today's nugget is an in-joke so obscure that I'm not going to even try to explain it. Those of you who were there will understand; everybody else is just going to have to take my word for it that this is one of the funniest one-liners ever written.
Q: What sexual act would I like to perform right now that also happens to be the name of a balding, fat, nasal-voiced rock star?
A: Phil Collins.
August 6, 2005
The Collected Email of Jeff Green, Volume 2
Today's selection is short, but indisputably a classic, again from back in 92.
WM, 30, searching for that special someone to take him away from it all. Me: Like walks on the beach, sunsets. You: Have lots of money, like to be called Mommy. Men OK.
August 5, 2005
The Collected Email of Jeff Green, Volume 1
I am not Jeff Green. Not by a longshot. But I am the world's foremost (and only) Jeff Green historian, and for years now I've been promising--nay, threatening--to break open my stash of vintage email from Ye Goode Olde Dayse and start deluging the Internet with ancient shtick. Warning: This stuff is mostly a) penis jokes and b) in-jokes that even those involved won't really get anymore. But no Jeff Green blog can be really be complete without it.
Today's nugget comes to us all the way from the twenty-first day of July, nineteen hundred and ninety-two A.D.
Jeff: I just got an error message on email saying that my internal system heap has been corrupted. Is this from eating at Lois's?
Me: Tonto might say that your internal system is heap corrupted.
Jeff: You know, Mr. Comedian, that we Native Americans don't take too kindly to Tonto jokes. My father, Runs Like a Girl, is head of the Sherman Oaks brance of AIM. So watch yourself, white man.
Me: You're not a Native American, you're a Naive American.
Jeff: Top 3 Reasons That Prove I'm a Native American:
1) Cigar store Indian based on my grandfather.
2) You call it corn; I call it maize.
3) Can put ear to the ground and hear Harry approaching.
April 12, 2005
Dreadful error!
That wasn't my new headshot! Apparently it was Tara Reid's surgically altered areola (although the resemblance, I must say, is uncanny). I apologize for the mistake. I should have realized the split ends on the blonde bangs!
November 9, 2004
My new headshot
As the editor of Computer Gaming Gool Guys, my publisher: International Truss Syndicate pays a classy photographer to take a new headshot each year for my popular Editor's Musings column that's been running for nearly six years.
Here's my new picture. Ouch!
November 4, 2004
The election.
My initial reaction after Tuesday's nightmare was to go into hibernation for the next four years. Like I did after Reagan's reelection. It is times like these that I take Voltaire's "cultivate your garden" maxim to heart. The only problem is that I don't have a garden, and if I did, I'd probably forget to water it and kill everything in a week anyway.
So, instead, I offer this as my definitive thoughts on Tuesday's results.
Okay, ass monkeys.
The real Jeff Green is back. Do not read the previous posts by the Jeff Green pretenders who have been blogging here. I've heard of identity theft, but I didn't think anyone would actually stoop so low as to blog on someone else's blog. What's next? Are you going to start eating my cereal in the morning? Wear my underwear? Steal my penile erectile dysfunction pills? You people suck.
In other news, in case you may be wondering what I am going to look like and what I will be doing 50 years from now--because I know this is the kind of thing you spend your day thinking about---well, here you go. Now don't say I never do anything for you:
November 3, 2004
I'm so glad Bush won!
He's great. I love him!
Bush is so sexy.
I hate Laura, though. Stepford beeyatch.
October 26, 2004
So tell me...
What do you really think of Jeff Green?
It's time the truth was told.
October 19, 2004
things jeff might have blogged today
Bought a new telescope this weekend.
Did you know that the telescope
was invented by eskimos? I heard that once.
Eskimos rawk.
Stop hitting yourself
Jeff, why do you keep hitting yourself?
June 11, 2004
The Pompetus of dBASE
Don't worry--my exciting history of all the cars I've ever owned will continue shortly. Please--no panicking.
In the meantime, this entry was inspired by one Christian Crumlish, my pal and former colleague back in Ye Olden Days at Sybex Computer Books, who just randomly instant-messaged me at my desk here on this Friday afternoon with the following:
"Hey, it's the Pompetus of dBASE!"
Now, if you don't know the meaning of the word "pompetus," this means you're either too young or don't know your Steve Miller Band, either of which makes you pretty lucky. Actually, I guess the same could said for dBASE. Anyway, Christian's salutation refers to the fact that, back in the day, when I was a technical editor, I had done technical edits on a bunch of dBASE books, thus jokingly taking on that moniker in a moment of giddy self-pity and white collar hopelessness.
So, as I prepare to wrap it up for the day here and leave my office at Computer Gaming World, I raise my head to the skies and thank Teh Great J33bus that I no longer must earn my daily bread at a place where I could ever possibly called the Pompetus of dBASE again.
June 9, 2004
My third car...
was a red 1980 Toyota Corolla, which I inherited from my grandfather, Philip Green, before he passed away but after he became a menace on the road and stopped driving. Actually, he was a menace on the road way before he stopped driving. One of my fonder childhood memories is of him going about 30 MPH on the freeway in San Francisco, obliviously bobbling in and out of his lane, all the while disparaging the Asian drivers around him. "Can you believe they give licenses to these people?", he'd say.
I took possession of that Corolla in about 1982, while a student at UC Berkeley. College students and driving are two things that don't go very well together. Nevertheless, I actually did manage to not bang up that car. Someone else did it for me.
One pleasant evening in April, while I was pretending to study in my 2nd story apartment in North Berkeley, I heard outside my window the sound of a car's tire screeching, followed by that oddly satisfying crunch of metal on metal. Clearly, an automobile accident had just occurred, which made me happy because it was a good excuse to get up from my desk, as well as an opportunity to revel in someone else's misfortune.
Upon reaching the window, however, I was quick to discover that that misfortune was actually all mine, as my Corolla was now resting on its side, on the sidewalk, totalled--victim of an out-of-control Mercedes. The woman who had been driving the Mercedes was apologetic and horrified, and I ended up being the one who had to calm her down, even though it was she who wrecked my car, and not the other way around. Actually I remember that what annoyed me almost more than anything else was realizng that the Talking Heads cassette that had been in what used to be my car's tape deck was now gone forever.
My grandfather's remark, meanwhile, upon hearing about the accident the following day, was this: "I knew I shouldn't have given you that damn car."
And then he asked if the driver was Asian.