Enlarge your coalition!!

—begin forwarded text—
Want a big international COALITION? Tired of getting spurned by hot European girls because of your “unilateralism”?
Now, YOU can experience the COALITION ENLARGEMENT you’ve always wanted with a MASSIVE accounting breakthrough!! 100 GUARANTEED!!!
With the help of our GUARANTEED plan you too will go from being a little bush to a THICK, MIGHTY LOG in no time! Best yet, our plan has NO Painful and Hard-To-Use international pumps like the UN, and NO annoying allies who might actually try and assert themselves!
With our plan, you can GROW that HUGE THROBBING COALITION in just THREE EASY STEPS!!!
1) Get one of your buddies at the health club (or in England) to SING PRAISES of how MIGHTY your Coalition is, then simply COUNT EVERYONE AT THE HEALTH CLUB (or in England) AS BEING PART OF YOUR COALITION — WHETHER THEY WANT TO BE OR NOT. Remember to use the phrase: “Everyone down at the gym (or England) says I have a huge coalition” often.
2) MOCK anyone who questions the size of your coalition, especially if they ask for measurements. Be quick to say: “I don’t have to measure it because everyone KNOWS it’s HUGE.” Better yet, ask them how big THEIR coalition is. That usually shuts them up real fast. If it doesn’t, simply change the subject or walk out of the room.
3) Tell possible MEMBERS they can hang with you and the cool kids down at Club NATO after the show. If that doesn’t work, promise to slip several billion dollars into their economy (Don’t actually give them the money, just promise it.)
4) You can DOUBLE and TRIPLE the size of your international thang by padding it with SEXY sounding places like Latvia, Uzbekistan and, ooh baby, Eritrea. And if anyone wonders what good the Marshall Islands are when they can’t even field 2 guys at the Olympics much less an army, you just shoot back “HEY, even with MICRONESIA on my side I’m still bigger than the French! HAR!”
5) And finally, when all else fails just tell people 1/3 or more of your coalition is HIDDEN and flatly refuse to pull out the whole length. Insist real gentlemen don’t talk about such things in public and that they’ll just have to trust your word as to how MASSIVELY THROBBINGLY HUGE the whole coalition is. Then cite security concerns and have them arrested.
If you follow the above 4 steps, you will be GUARANTEED to ERECT a bigger coalition that will leave them all too WILLING to drop trou, bend over and do ANYTHING YOU TELL ‘EM TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For more details, contact Ari F. at http://www.whitehouse.gov/
“‘Enlarge your coalition’ made me a man!” – George B.
—end forwarded text—
(thanks, MZ!)