developing: President Bush is a habitual onanist

· Handy Retort

On the eve of the first presidential debates, some say President Bush has developed an unhealthy addiction to onanism. Sources close to the President have recently noticed that his hands are never more than 6 feet from his guy-parts. Never. Not during cabinet meetings. Not playing with his dog. Not watching “Jimmy Kimmel” on the TV. Never.
David Bronsky, an independent voter in the battleground state of Ohio, wonders what it’s all about. “What’s the point?” he asks. “And what other reasonable explanation could there possibly be? Besides a profound addiction to onanism?” He pauses to sip his morning coffee, then shakes his head. “There is none. There is no other reasonable explanation. He should get help.”
Let’s be clear: As a citizen, Bush can spend his spare time however he wants.
But as president, well it’s a matter of character.